Tuesday, 7 February 2012

07. Coming Out

I actually don't remember all that much about coming out to my family. From what I can remember, I was about 18/19 and decided to throw it mid argument with the woman about something barely related, and it just went from there.

The Girl (My little sister) who would of been about 12/13 at the time went on to tell the boy, who at the time was about 6/7, that I had a disease called homosexuality. He would barely talk, touch or come near me for about 2 weeks.

I had the usual from the woman.
You've had boyfriends.

Yes, Mother, but this was a cover up, a front. I didn't accept that I was a lesbian myself.
What I didn't tell her is that I was generally paralytically drunk when it came to anything sexual with boys, or that I often imagined it was a girl on top of me. I felt this bit was best kept out.

It's because there is too much of it on TV.

Why yes mother, now a days there is a lot of gay related things on the TV, but I can assure you my watching of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Willow and Tara kissing did not turn me gay.
In actual fact it just turned me on.
It's just a phase, if you lose a bit of weight and dress more girly. You'll be attracted to boys.

No Mother, its not that. I am actually attracted to women. The way I dress, nor my weight has anything to do with my sexual preference.
Yes, I'm uncomfortable in my body. Thanks for reminding me.

It's because you got bullied at school. They have made you believe you are gay.

No mother. I was simply in denial.

Now let me divulge a little in this theory of hers.

At school whilst I was in my 3rd year of high school. I had a group of friends which I used to hang around with. Two of these friends are still very close and very dear to me. One of them I talk to when I see her. And the other 2 I am not even sure what they are doing now.

One of the two I no longer speak to basically "bullied" me. She would continuously put me down, call me names. And spread round the school that I was a lesbian and that I fancied one of the female teachers (as it happens I did fancy the teacher, but I just thought I looked up to her). At the time I was in fact a huge homophobe. I despised the thought of gay people. And didn't want to be singled out at school. So I acted up on it. Rebelled. Was a little shit.


Now I am older, and like to think wiser. It turns out the reason I was so homophobic is because I was a self hater, I was in denial. I did in fact fancy that teacher, and not as I put it look up to her. I understand that I was trying to cover up my feelings for this teacher by calling it something different. I acted up in order to be sent to see this teacher to receive my telling off, or in reality, to be alone with her.

I had previously, as I called it really looked up to Christina Ricci when younger. I see now that I fancied the ass off her. I was obsessed in fact.

I made a new group of friends, and we are all very much friends now. And I think I came out to them when I was about 16. They wasn't phased at all by it. I think they wondered why I had defended my heterosexuality so much. But to my recollection none of them have ever actually questioned me on this.

I feel blessed to have these friends in my life still now, even though we don't see one another as much as I would like. But I know we will be friends for a long time to come.